Coupon Ahoy! (not trademarked)

Today I got my response to the letter featured in the “Crumby Cookies” post, you know the one you didn't read, as opposed to the other one you didn't read. But that's your business, and I got no beef about it. So drop it, ok.

I'd put their response here, but it lacks the flavor of my original letter or any other flavor, except maybe that of plain steamed white rice, you know that minute rice you cook in the bag with the holes in it. Yep, that one. Imagine eating that with nothing. Now imagine that in letter form and you'll know why I didn't re-type it. Besides the fact that re-typing would involve some effort on my part.

I'll paraphrase:

Thank you for your letter we didn't read. Trained monkeys scanned for keywords to determine you were an unsatisfied customer, and there was no pending legislation to concern ourselves with. The context clarfication script determined the mentions of “severed fingers” and “razor blades” were made in jest, so we've sent you a coupon for free cookies, and to prove there was no personal involvement at any level, we did not address your humor, or include any of our own. You could even scratch that last statement, because that would involve concern on our part. The free cookies will not dent our bottom line, because the addictive additives will ensure future purchases, and encourage someone in your family to start smoking since the same additives used in our junk food, are also added to cigarettes produced by our parent company. Oh yeah, and smoking is bad for you, so don't do it. That's our message we have to mention, in case you or your children never ever even considered smoking before. This way, as a parent you'll be sure to tell your kids how bad it is and not to do it. Once that message is combined with television commercials, magazine ads, and posters in schools, your children will naturally start to smoke after developing a curiousity, and we'll have a new customer.
It's a win, win situation for everybody.
Thanks for your loyalty. Enjoy your cookies.

Yeah! Free cookies! Well, actually replacement cookies. I feel the power of a consumer advocate. Now on to the next letter, about how I flipped over my Corvair.

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