Category: humor

LOL PUTINZ

In the future, Sarah Palin will create Internet memes on the daily. oh wait…it's already happening. Surely her foreign policy experience won't be the last. You don't get that kind of experience by osmosis or proximity. I live next door to a doctor, if anyone would like me to perform open heart surgery on their loved ones, feel free to twitter me. And I've seen a lot of Speedy Gonzales cartoons as well, so that should probably qualify me to be our next ambassador to Mexico.

Nerve Endings Firing Away took the “As Putin rears his head and comes into the air space of the United States of America” quote quite literally, so naturally I took their graphic to the logical next level, the lolcat treatment.

Who cares about the bailout when we've got this giant disembodied Putin head floating toward Anchorage. It's making me wonder about those weather balloons they used to mistake for UFOs.

Staples has no Sense of Humor

And to all the grammar geeks out there, it's “has” not “have”, since I'm talking about the chain of office superstores, and not individual staples, and they're a helluva lot more fun than the superstores. They would've posted my review.

Staples (the office superstore) asked me in an e-mail to submit a review of a recent purchase. And what I purchased was a 10-pack of blue two-pocket portfolio folders. And I typically don't buy these without first consulting Consumer Reports, but this time it was all impulse. No wonder my credit card bills exceed the per capita income of some less favored nations. (You know I really wanted to put the extra “u” in both “favor” and “humor” tonight. Is that the Brit in me that I never knew was there? Is that even an English thing? Granted it does look better, and so does “colour”. Well, maybe.)

So today I noticed that my review was no longer on their website. In the context of this blog it certainly may seem more of a lame stab at humour (ha-ha!), but was downright hysterical over at Staples (the website of the office superstore, not at the website of a collective group self-realizing staples that wrestled the URL from the corporate monolith). Alright, so it wasn't that funny, but here it is. If you can't fill the Internet with crap that has nowhere else to go, what is it good for? Absolutely nothing, say it again. Or not.

Staples product review for blue 2 pocket portfolios

By larzini from NJ on 3/7/2008

Your rating: 5 stars

Headline: Holds Papers Exactly As Described!

Pros : Easy To Open/Close, Durable Construction, 2 pockets,

Potty-trained, It's Blue, Nicely textured, Fun for the whole family

Cons : Poor gas mileage, No puree setting, Don't feed after midnight,

Slight metallic taste

Best Uses : Organizing Documents, Conversation piece, Bud vase, Holding

papers, Fanning, Placemat

Describe Yourself : Value Oriented

Primary use of this product : Business

These folders are great. First of all, they are blue. A blue so blue.

And blue is a color. And it is a color I enjoy wholeheartedly. I have

used many of these folders, and each time they lived up to my

expectations of holding my papers. Except one time when I turned a paper-filled

folder upside-down. Guess what? Yep. The papers fell out. Not just one.

All of them. DO NOT TURN UPSIDE-DOWN WHEN PAPERS ARE INSIDE. THEY WILL

FALL OUT! Sorry about yelling, but I cannot emphazise that point enough.

And I can't spell emphazies either. Did I mention there is not

spell-check feature? Well, there's not. Perhaps in the next release.

Unfortunately, Staples have not opened up the next version to users for beta

testing. By the way, the folders are blue. I opened the folder and closed

it numerous times. And it performed every time without fail. Another

nice thing is that there are 10 in a package. I really didn't need that

many, but rather than waste them, I spread whatever documents I need to

transport evenly among the 10 folders. If I have less than 10 papers I

need to transport, I grab magazine blow-in cards or junk mail and put

those in the empty folders. It kills me to have 10 folders and even

leave one empty. If you really need a folder, I would consider this one,

maybe the red model as well, but your insurance rates will go up, so let

the buyer beware.

All proper spacing removed for your inconvenience.

Did that post make this read like a splog? (That's “spam blog” for you home-gamers.)

Christmas in August on Valentine's Day

I should say St. Valentine's Day. Well, not anymore, it's now Friday, but this post somehow disappeared after writing it about 24 hours ago.

I never dreamt I'd someday look back fondly at the Crazy Eddie television commercials. Yet, here I find myself waxing nostalgically over some Northeastern pop culture detritus.

I never embed, I usually just link, but I've reconsidered my position on that. Why send the eyeballs elsewhere when they can stay right here.

I remember buying vinyl records and cassettes at Crazy Eddie, as well as a floppy disk drive for my Atari 800XL computer. These ads actually inspired the Seinfeld episode entitled, “The Junk Mail”. Elaine dates a guy who was once the fictional television pitchman known as “The Wiz”. Incidentally, The Wiz, later known as Nobody Beats The Wiz, was also an electronics retailer located predominantly in New York and New Jersey. But since their prices weren't completely insane they often used real-life characters in their ads, such as Joe Namath.

This was long before Namath went 0-for-2 in pass attempts on the sidelines, seeking out kisses from Suzy Kolber. (Yep, that link goes to the infamous video. I thought it would look kind of crappy to put two embedded videos in the same post. Especially when the point of this video was to highlight the Crazy Eddie ads, and not focus on the ancillary Joe Namath reference.)

And the Beef Shall Inherit the Earth

In a world where Mad Cow Disease is not an illness, but a state of rural unrest. One cow mush rise up and awakens the herd. A herd fattened up and dumbed down by genetically modified feed. Normally docile creatures with a hive mentality that has finally, collectively mooed “Enough!” (Which may actually still just sound like “Moo”, but with greater emphasis and intent.) The antibiotics and hormones pumped into this Slaughterhouse Nation has backfired against the government oppressors, who must confront the greatest beef to ever face their unchallenged empire. Special sauce and sesame seed buns are no match for…

…Cows With Guns.

Thanks for the link,…umm…Sebastian?

Optimus Prime Doesn't Stop Drinking !!

Wired Magazine's cover story depicted Optimus Prime stepping in as a father figure for those whose father didn't bother. (I guess their Mom was the television. I think in my home the television is more like a deadbeat uncle that pays no rent, runs up our electrical bills, but fascinates the children with wonderful stories and games, in between commercials and a lot of crap.

Michael Bay is not alone on his mission to destroy these latchkey kids' kindergarten memories of their surrogate father. Capital Bullshit has beaten Mikey to the punch. Doesn't hurt that another childhood television legend, (I can't believe I just called him that) and German rock god (maybe I just justified that last comment, and no, I'm not talking about Klaus Meine) has provided the fodder for their celebrity parody mashup.

LINKY LINKY.

Optimus Hasselhoff.

David Hasselhoff's fall from grace.

Tasty spoon, indeed!

BONUS LINK:

Huge freakin' statue of Optimus Prime. Thanks, Karate Party.

The Blair Family Circus Project

I had something that resembled a blog slightly more than it did primitive cave paintings at one time. It was actually updated less frequently than this blog. There was no blogging buzz and the tubes weren't getting too slowed down, but every now and then I would post when I wasn't destroying CDNow's bottom line with web coupons and different e-mail accounts. And now they're gone and I miss them and it's all my fault. Not to say I wouldn't have done things the same way. You had to save a buck here and there. Was Napster around yet? I don't recall.

Anyhoo, I found a link to The Blair Family Circus Project in my archives and thought I'd share, since amazingly it's still up. I didn't know the Brunching Shuttlecocks had the stamina.