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Important Job

We had just returned from the local toy
store from our old town. Yes,
there are still a few left. There were actually two in that
area.

My son issued a mandate and was quite adamant that it was top
priority.

“Daddy! This is an important job. You need to
send
this out on the computer to everybody in our
town.

My son is 3 1/2, actually just about 4 years old, and in his world
trucks, dirt, and trains rule. Especially Thomas the Tank
Engine trains.

And we had just purchased “Henry's
tunnel”, which has been discontinued
for years. So you can understand my son's excitement.

Now I'm not one of those that buys toys for my kids to just look at.
You know, keep it in the box so it doesn't lose its value while it
sits
on a shelf in a kid's room collecting dust. So yes, all Hess
trucks are
fair game. Boxes are open and even discarded. If they brake…well,
they brake. The child only cries because they broke a favorite toy,
not
because Mommy and Daddy can't believe they broke that toy that in 20
years would have bought 1/4 of a college textbook for said
child.

So “Henry's Tunnel” was apparently from the 1996 Thomas the Tank
Engine
collection. Which, to my son my as well be, the Bronze Age. My
“important job” as he put it was to share with everyone a picture of
the Thomas the Tank Engine lineup for 1996.


So here it is.

My son also told me how he's no longer going to include Q when singing
the alphabet. He wasn't clear about the reason why. Perhaps it has
something to do with that whole “U
always follows Q” rule, which I'm
sure back in the day was as hotly contested as the designated hitter
rule in baseball. And since spelling to him, is not nearly as
important
as digging, I'll spare him the exception of proper nouns like Qatar
until he's older.

In fact, given recent events, I'd like to avoid any mention of the
Middle East to my son for quite some time.

I should mention that he also likes to jump from 11 right to 14 when
counting. I remind him of the existence of 12 and 13, but he tells me
he knows that, but just doesn't want to say those.

You'll know if my son has become an architect someday, when you report
to your office on the 17th floor, and realize you're only 15 stories
up.

Save the Breast for Last

Actually, I'll lead with it.

Drop in for Tara Reid's  exposed breast. Stick around for political discourse.

That's Hategun. Not to be confused with Lovegun. No…wait…I actually meant the Kiss album. I swear. This blog needs to cut down on the NSFW.

Although, at least Ashcroft won't be bothering me anymore. But before we go celebrating uncovering those revealing, sinful statues in D.C., let's be sure it's not a case of the “The Devil You Know…”.

I figured you know the rest of that one, I don't exctly remember. But I
do know it's appropriate, and doesn't break any decency laws.

Who will it be? Alberto Gonzales? Officer Barbrady? Mr. Garrison? Chef? Jimbo? the 1989 Denver Broncos?

You know…Barbrady would probably slip into the Bush cabinet as
Attorney General just as easy as Tara Reid's breast slipped out of that
dress. (see above) Jimbo could take over as Secretary of Defense. And
I'm sure Bush could find a position for Garrison, who would support the
president's stance against gay marriage.

Kerry victorious…

…everywhere
else on the planet, but the United States. Small problem,
though. Only the U.S. vote counts, and maybe Guam,
not
sure what happened there. But no one's waiting for their
absentee
ballots. But Kerry's not disputing their 1/16th of an
electoral vote
either.

Like Hunter
S. Thompson said, “Four more years of George Bush will be
like four more years of syphilis.”

Looks like we
got the disease, and none of the fun associated with it.

Bouncy

My son's 4th birthday party is approaching. In this day and age of
parental overindulgence, this is nothing short of organizing a small
wedding.

The invitations: Do we make them? Do we fill out pre-printed? Do we order them custom?

The cake: Is it Thomas the Tank Engine? Is it Bob the Builder? Is it
Spider-Man? Yellow cake with chocolate icing? Chocolate cake with
yellow icing?

The food: (because it's mostly family and mostly adults, we can't just
throw a bunch of chicken fingers in the oven and be done with it) Do we
cook? Do we cater? Do we cook some and cater a few trays?

Then there's the themed plates and napkins and cups. The party favors
and goodie bags. You can't give the older kids the same stuff that's in
the little kids goodie bags? And the babies that come, well they get
goodies too, age-appropriate never gonna remember if they got anything
or not goodies.

And activities…hence the title.

Bouncy…Bouncy thing…jumper…big inflatable thing for kids to jump
on while parents cross their fingers that there are no skull cracking
collisions.

Actually I didn't think about that part until now. I love bouncy things
the last time we were at a kid's party, it was my son's first time
seeing one of these contraptions, so dear old Dad spent a good portion
of the time in there, too. And, yes it is fun.

Now finding a rental place in our proximity with the day availabile,
and the type of bouncy we are looking for (a train theme) at a
reasonable price with a reasonable cancellation policy, has been a bit
trying. My wife has been starting to stress a bit, so I jump in and
turn to Google for help.

Search terms: bouncy (not sure what to call the thing, I figuree
“bouncy” is a good place to start), middlesex county (that's our
county), jersey (we live in New Jersey, the “new” would probably be too
broad.)

The results weren't nearly as focused as I would have expected. I found
one bouncy company that looks like it will be out of our price range,
but plenty of bouncy companies in the U.K. Damn those bloody wankers.

After that, there were a few items on the list that I found odd and/or disturbing to appear on this page of search results:

Let's start with #4: Furries Meetup

Yes, furries.
You know, the kids who worked at amusement parks wearing those animal
outfits that never wanted to give them back, the acrobatic and/or
annoying mascots at college sporting events. A sampling of the furries
on this page included: a Purple Tiger, a Rabwolf, a Shaggy Reversed
Zebra, an Arctic Fox, and a Snow Leopard.

But, who am I to judge? Furries are moving from the edge to the mainstream. There's the now infamous E.R. episode. The excellent DJ Format video for “We Know Something…” directed by Ruben Fleischer.
The costumed mascot needed liberation from the college campus and onto
main street. It makes me wonder how tough things were starting out for
the Phillie Fanatic. He's like the Jackie Robinson of the
subculture. Maybe someday we'll have a world where all prejudices will
be washed away and we'll see Goths
(NSFW) and Furries walking hand-in-hand. But those Renaissance fair outfit
wearing people still kind of weird me out, and I've even played Dungeons & Dragons in
my lifetime. I've rolled the 20-sided die.

Now #19 is a bit more obvious:

It links to a page from the Breast Expansion Archive.
I saw the title and thought, maybe this is like a support group forum
for women thinking of upping a cup size. Discussing pros/cons,
before/after, prep/recovery and that sort of thing. But after looking
at the choice of icons in the messageboard, I started thinking that's
probably not the case.

Moving to the main page of the site (NSFW), it became clearer that the
site was more for guys that prefer some enhanced cleavage. although it
seemed that surgical enhancements weren't enough, and Photoshop
enhancements are the enhancement du jour. (I could have used synonyms
or metaphors just now. But I thought I would just repeat the word
enhancement until you wanted to beat me over the head with it.)

In the Top 30 links there was also a Discordians meetup site (another blog, another day) and The UK Face Painting Association page.

Face Painters of the U.K. Unite!

I wonder if they have a union. I'd paint my face for better and cheaper medical coverage. I'd probably don the fur as well.

but I still don't have a bouncy thing.

THE LAST WORD: My favorite new word is “fursona”. I suppose it would be
defined as your furry persona. Are you a chinchilla? Maybe an okapi?
Perhaps a lynx? Great bastardization of our language. I wonder how many
years before it's in Webster's.

Is you is, OR-TIZ you ain't, my Baby?

I haven't had that much sleep that's the best I can come up with.

I think Red Sox and Yankees fans are all dumbfounded over what they've
just witnesses. Sunday night's game I missed, falling asleep reading my
son a few stories, although I had dreams of the Red Sox tying the
score. Although the real game departed from there; my dream included
the Yankees decked out in white pinstripe business suits (and no, the
dream did not include Michael Kay's midgame uniform description), as
well as the tying run being scored by Dana Snow, the first female
pinch-runner in MLB history, as far as I know.

Now the Yankees in bussiness suits is by no means much of a stretch of
the imagination, based on their usual efficiency and productivity in
slapping beatdowns like Donald Trump handing out pink slips. As far as
Dana Snow, I don't know any Dana Snow. I marginally knew a Dana in high
school who drove a Fiero, but she had different last name. Snow could
be her married name. But who knows, its hard to score with a Fiero.

Anyway I was prepared to be calling for Terry Francona head on a
platter with some fava beans and a nice chianti, but despite his best
efforts, the Red Sox still won. He must have known something the rest
of the world didn't. But I hope he counted his blessings on 10 fingers,
and realized he doesn't have an 11th.

I had a running list last night of management miscues, but a Sox
victory and good night's rest has shortened it down a bit. Here's a few
observations:

(1.) The score was 4-2 with no outs and Johnny Damon comes up after
Bellhorn led off with a double, and relieving Mussina from the game,
much as he did to Mussina in Game 1, ending the perfect game that
evening. Damon's about 1-for-122 so far in this ALCS, and is typically
a good bunter. But since the Red Sox led the majors with the fewest
sacrifice bunts (12), Damon swung away, and if memory serves me
correctly, struck out swinging. Needless to say the runner did not get
over, and did not score.

Later in the game, Bellhorn failed to buunt a runner from 1st to 2nd,
but then ripped an 0-2 pitch for a single. This time Damon got the bunt
sign, and promptly popped out to Posada.

To be fair, I can't lay the blame on Francona for lack of execution in
the second example, but for not giving a bunt sign with Bellhorn on
second, I don't know. I know they were down 2 runs, but I've seen
enough Yankees-Red Sox games to know that almost every inning has a run
scoring opportunity, so let's take one at a time. Just as the Res Sox
had to look at this series day-by-day, down 3-0.

(2.) Cabrera's on first. Posada gets hit in the hand with a foul pitch and is visited by the trainer.

RUN!

Cabrera's a fast runner, will steal close to 20 bases a year in a full season, why not put him in position to score on a single.

(3.) Dave Roberts is a great asset to this club, and showed everyone
why when he rattled Tom Gordon and went from 1st to 3rd on aTrot Nixon
single. But I don't like putting in a pinch runner on first base for
Trot Nixon, in a close late inning game. Trot's had some big hits
against New York in the past, and taking two starters out of the game,
when the spectre of another extra inning ballgame is looming in the
shadows, could come back to bite you in the ass.

Turns out it didn't. Kapler even made a nice play on a Jeter fly hit to left.

(4.) Arroyo came in and pitched lights out to the top of the order,
striking out A-Rod and Sheffield. Then didn't come out for the next
inning. There may not be a tomorrow to save this guy for. There's no
“in case Schilling isn't healthy enough” just yet. You got to win one,
before you win two. and at this point each day is another day to wake
up and just win one.

But the Boston bullpen combined for eight scoreless innings, as a
whole. This teams has more rubber arms than Plastic-Man, Elongated Man,
Dr. Reed Richards, and Stretch Armstrong combined. Mike Myers came in
to start the next inning and struck out Matsui on 4 pitches.

(5.) Myers a lefty, pitches to one batter, Matsui (see results above),
and is replaced by another lefty in Alan Embree. A situational lefty is
still a lefty, but as I said before 8 scoreless innings by Red Sox
relievers.

Now I'm seeing a pattern, although originally I thought I'd be
lambasting Francona, someone could probably make a good argument that
he did a great job last night.

Let's just say that luck was on his side. I got 2 more and I'm not sure they can be explained away.

(6.) David Ortiz attempting to steal second. 4 stolen bases in his
career, and Francona sends him now. Even if it's a lie, please tell me
someone missed a hit-and-run sign. Or that Ortiz went on his own.

You know what, don't tell me anything. David Ortiz doesn't deserve
anything less than hero status right now. And if he thinks he's Rickey
Henderson (circa 1984, not 2004) then he just might be.

Posada (ROTFLHFAO) fired a ball to Bernie Williams in center that M.J.,
I mean Derek Jeter intercepted and layed the tag on the mercurial
Ortiz.

Replays show that Ortiz right hand looked like it beat the tag. 
Perhaps the umpire used his David Ortiz Strat-O-Matic card and some
dice to determine the call, or maybe even more careful review may show
that Jeter's tag nipped the helmet before landind square in the back of
Ortiz.

But about 2 innings prior, the second base umpire might have missed the
call when the troubled Johnny Damon, attempted to steal second after an
infield hit. Replay showed Damon to be in just before Jeter's tag with
the wrist, then the heel of the glove.

At this point, I'm thinking, the Sox are not supposed to win this game.
It would have happened already. Perhaps the ghost of Ted Williams is at
war with the ghost of Joe Dimaggio, in the dark recesses of
Cooperstown, (no museum's open at 11:00 PM that I know of), vying to
battle the Babe to save the entire Red Sox Nation from eternal
damnation and reverse the curse.

And I thought things weren't looking good for New England as I watched #7 unfold.

(7.) Varitek catching Wakefield. This was like watching a game of “hot
potato” at a convalescent home. I KNEW I was watching how the Red Sox
were going to lose this baseball game.

I thank God that my Red Sox fan father, born in 1925, decided to shut
off the game just before Varitek hit the game-tying sacrifice fly to
center. Because with his multiple bypass surgeries, I'm not sure he
would have made it through this.

Varitek only caught Wakefield for about 2 innings this season. doug
Mirabelli catches Wakefield's starts to give Varitek a day off. But
your starting catcher doesn't typically get days off in the ALCS. But
sometimes they should.

Especially when marathon games follows marathon game on consecutive nights, and catching knuckleballers just ain't your bag.

3 passed balls. The first on a strikeout of Gary Sheffield. Of course,
Sheffield reached first safely, that's the way the script should read.
But Wakefield shook this off, and shook off every dropped pitch by
Varitek that didn't result in a passed ball.

Mirabelli desperately needed to be in this game. I know Francona wanted
Varitek's bat in the lineup. I know that Varitek, who has hit miserably
against Mike Mussina drew a walk batting right-handed against Mussina
to score the first Boston run. And yes, I know it was Varitek who hit
the sacrifice fly to tie this game.

But, if each passed ball is worth 90 feet, and you have 3 passed balls,
simple algebra tells you the 4th passed ball puts a runner on home
plate. And then you would most certainly like to have Varitek's bat in
the lineup.

After the first passed ball, every pitch by Wakefield was excruciating.
But it wasn't his fault. Maybe it was his fault that he was that good,
consistently throwing strikes. You knew one of those balls, that always
hit Varitek in the glove, would eventually score the winning run.

Francona had time to realize even before the 2nd and 3rd passed balls,
how badly this could end. But he stuck with Varitek for better or
worse. Even intentionally walking Posada after a passed ball had moved
Matsui from first to second.

Francona knew that Varitek would catch just enough balls to give Ortiz
another shot at becoming hero and sending the last remaining Nomar
jerseys in Boston to the Salvation Army.

I'm just happy we've got at least one more game.